


Egbertian Renegade

by sephyuwu



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, Existential Crisis, F/F, F/M, Not Epilogue Compliant, Trans Female Character, epilogue divergent, trans questioning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:35:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22807192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sephyuwu/pseuds/sephyuwu
Summary: When confronted with the choice of Meat or Candy, John calls upon a good friend (?) to help him make sense of it. What happens is that he shirks his existential responsibilities and goes on a self reflective journey through the remnants of Paradox Space to aid Terezi on her similarly meditative quest.
Relationships: John Egbert/Terezi Pyrope, June Egbert/Terezi Pyrope
Comments: 13
Kudos: 61
Collections: June Egbert Jam





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> This first chapter is an edit of the original Prologue 3 chapter of the Epilogues, subsequent chapters will be wholly original

It’s a beautiful day in the Carapace Kingdom, just like it was in the Human Kingdom and just like it was in Salamander Village, and just like you’re sure it is in the Troll Kingdom. For whatever faults this paradise you created might have, you sure don’t hear many complaints about the weather. The sterilized breeze softly whips against your skin as you look up into the sterilized sky, making the sun look that light the dentist shines down at you as they maliciously chip away at your teeth. Dentists are kind of assholes really, you think. Much like how you’ve been kind of an asshole, where you wonder why your friends keep up with you if their time is spent so unpleasantly with you metaphorically chipping at their teeth with your boring personality and boring problems.

Two such friends sit across from you on a tablecloth. It’s a picnic. An idyllic setting on a idyllic world, whose occupants are maybe less than idyllic. Well actually you think to yourself about anything bad you can say about Roxy and Calliope and you come up blank, these are probably the two people out of your extended friend group with the least amount of baggage. Your negative thoughts tend to irradiate out of yourself and project onto others, a very much unfair reality of your current mental health situation.

You are actually having quite the conversation about mental health, not about you of course but one of your best friends. You have a very genuine concern for her, as if you couldn’t for Rose of all people.

JOHN: she looked alright. mostly just tired.  
JOHN: at least she seemed to have enough energy to babble at length about philosophical gibberish, and things about canon and such.  
ROXY: lmao  
ROXY: guess she filled you in on all the ultimate self junk then  
JOHN: the what?  
ROXY: the shit where she starts knowing everything and feelin bad  
JOHN: oh. that’s not the term she used. she just kept describing it as a condition.  
JOHN: you haven’t been feeling anything like that, right?  
ROXY: what getting to know my ultimate self?  
JOHN: yeah.  
ROXY: man ive barely got a hold of my basic ass self  
JOHN: heh.  
JOHN: yeah, she said she was the only one going through this, that she knew of.  
JOHN: poor rose.

Rose is someone in your life that you could not live without. You don’t think this directly but you feel it as you express your timid concern to her mom/daughter. Rose always knows what to do, Rose always knows what to say, Rose has a level of certainty and drive that makes her powerful in ways you are not. It’s a seer thing you suppose. Rose would probably make fun of you for saying all this sentimental stuff, which is also a seer thing you suppose.

Rose’s plan comes to the forefront of your mind, but this is a pleasant picnic and no place for such unpleasantries.

> Change the subject.

JOHN: so, are you and callie still living at the same place i last saw? the one near the tower?

You look towards the bell tower in the distance. It’s a gothic building so tall that it cuts a shadow through the midday sun. It’s an important landmark in the kingdom—the tallest structure for miles around—and the only way you can ever navigate your way here flying. Carapace architecture is otherwise identic, a reflection of their functional, collectivist society.

ROXY: yup  
JOHN: that’s cool.  
JOHN: it’s a nice place.  
ROXY: yeah i like it here  
ROXY: ive thought about it but ill probably never wanna live in a different kingdom  
ROXY: still feel most at home around the chess guys  
JOHN: makes sense.  
JOHN: that’s about how i feel about the salamanders.  
JOHN: which... i realize actually makes no fucking sense.  
ROXY: haha  
JOHN: they lead simple lives.  
JOHN: i don’t really care for the chaos of human or troll cities.  
ROXY: neither do we

You watch Roxy smile and reach for Calliope’s hand.

> Look away before you start dwelling on it.

You start dwelling on it immediately, looking probably quite conspicuous with how quickly you whipped your gaze away. But seriously, what is up with their relationship? Is it romantic? Platonic? Can cherubs even have a romantic relationship? Are they even interested in it, like, on a fundamental level? Do their brains and hearts even work that way? Questions like this used to keep you awake at night.

It still sometimes keeps you awake. Thoughts about Roxy usually do that for you. How Roxy is the only one of your friends who is friends with your version of you, as that is a statement that frustratingly makes sense in this patchwork of a semantic network that is fucking Paradox Space. How Roxy is maybe the first girl you’ve liked? At least in a more serious way that maybe others have been, you don’t really like to dwell on some of the strange interactions with troll girls you’ve had in the past. This one felt more proper. It’s a shame that Roxy probably doesn’t feel the same, even with your Freudian level gesture of giving her a ring. The one Calliope wears now.  
Anyway, at the time, the gesture felt so important. It felt more meaningful than any gift you’d ever given. Like there was some grand emotional gravitas about it that signified something deeper than... than what it turned out to be.

You have since concluded you were just imagining things. Ascribing symbolic meaning to gestures that they simply didn’t carry, like the dumb kid you were.

> Tactfully avoid saying anything at all about Roxy and Calliope’s weird, ambiguous relationship.

JOHN: uh, so...

But you can’t stop thinking about it. What goes on in Roxy’s head. What she thinks about you.

You and all your friends have dispositions affected by your classes and aspects. You think you know what that means in your case. But what about her? You can only speculate. Void is a place where things sink and disappear. Where they linger forever, but cease to exist. You aren’t actually sure if your feelings for Roxy ever really faded, or if they just grew numb with time and distance. Is it the same for her?

You search your soul for the answer, but come up empty. The truth is, you suspect her mental interior is unfathomable. In fact, you feel sure of it.  
You wonder suddenly, watching her. This version of her, that is. The one with whom you share all these bittersweet memories—will you ever see her again?

CALLIOPE: ahem.  
CALLIOPE: john!  
JOHN: what?  
CALLIOPE: please forgive me if i come across as impatient. bUt if we are finished with the pleasantries, i believe yoU have a choice to make.  
JOHN: huh?  
CALLIOPE: the choice as to whether yoU will go defeat my brother, or stay here.  
CALLIOPE: have yoU decided yet?  
JOHN: there’s a choice??

This interjection strikes you off guard, not only because you were neck deep in your internal monologue about your complicated girl feelings but also because you’re surprised Calliope knows about your mission. If Roxy is a black hole that you can only speculate what the center contains, then Calliope is an uncharted section of space where no speculation has yet reached. What goes on in a cherub’s head? How does a muse think? How far unexplored does this area of space go? You suppose she is an expert in things concerning her shitty brother, so it makes sense she’d know of a plot to kill him. But what’s this about a choice? Rose hadn’t conveyed anything about the situation of your unreality to be optional.

JOHN: rose didn’t mention anything about a choice  
JOHN: it doesn’t matter though because if i don’t, then...  
JOHN: a lot of stuff will stop being real. or i mean, stop being canon?  
JOHN: to tell you the truth, i’m a little confused about what will happen if i don’t go.  
JOHN: but it sounds like it will probably be bad!  
CALLIOPE: that may be so.  
CALLIOPE: we are not here to caUtion yoU aboUt the conseqUences of yoUr decision either way.  
CALLIOPE: bUt there is always a choice!

This makes your heart feel as if someone reached in and pricked with a needle, its not a stab or fatal wound but it takes you off guard.

CALLIOPE: roxy and i merely wished to invite yoU here for a nice hUman picnic, and show oUr sUpport for whichever decision yoU make.  
ROXY: tbh its a relief to finally be doin this  
JOHN: it is?  
ROXY: mm hm  
JOHN: how much have you actually... talked about this? i mean, how many people knew this was going to be a thing?  
ROXY: just us and rose. well dirk too i think  
ROXY: shes been talkin to me about it a bunch  
ROXY: and him too but i dunno how much  
ROXY: hes got like  
ROXY: “thoughts” about all this shit  
ROXY: but whatever thats not important or even remotely surprising  
ROXY: bottom line, rose has been tormenting herself about having to tell you  
ROXY: im just glad she finally said it so she can rest  
ROXY: now its up to you  
CALLIOPE: yes. take all the time yoU need.  
CALLIOPE: again, we aren’t here to inflUence yoU. it’s very important that the decision come from yoUr desire to go throUgh with it, one way or another.  
CALLIOPE: any tampering coUld taint the resUlts.  
ROXY: so whatll it be john

A chill runs through you and stays there.

> Consider the gravitas of this choice.

You try, but you can’t, because you weren’t really prepared for it. You didn’t think it was a choice at all until this very second. You think back to the way Rose looked at you before she went to bed. What has she told Roxy that she didn’t tell you? The chill tightens around your throat and turns into fear.

No, not fear. The feeling is worse than that. It’s regret.

You wasted your time here on this idyllic restoration of Earth. Why did you spend so much time alone? Moping around the house mourning your dead father, who probably would have wanted you to get more enjoyment out of your teen years, as well as your unusually early retirement. There’s so much you could have done. You could have even reached out to Roxy again; maybe she was waiting for you to do that. Maybe your withdrawal hurt her. Maybe she was heartbroken, just like you kind of feel right now. You study her perfectly stoic face and conclude nothing from it. Her expression reminds you of how Dave used to look, when you first met for real, before years of living with Karkat softened him up. Impenetrable cool.

It’s too late to figure any of this out now. You fucked it up already.

Unless, of course, you choose to stay.

Upon further examination, you realize that Roxy’s stoicism isn’t cold. There’s concern there. She is displaying restraint, keeping quiet while you make up your mind. You’re sweating, you realize. Cold sweat. Even worse than the anime nightmare sweat you woke up soaked in this morning.

ROXY: john u ok?  
JOHN: ...  
ROXY: looked like you were gonna pass out there for a second

Suddenly, Calliope bolts upright.

CALLIOPE: of coUrse! what was i thinking.  
CALLIOPE: this decision is far too important to be made on an empty stomach.

She fetches the picnic basket, which naturally has been sitting there on the tablecloth since the moment you arrived.

CALLIOPE: here, before yoU choose which path yoU’re going to take, yoU shoUld decide what yoU’d like to eat!  
CALLIOPE: i have packed a wide variety of provisions. easily enoUgh to satisfy even the most ravenoUs picnic-goer’s appetite.  
CALLIOPE: behold, an array of savory delights for the carnally inclined.  
CALLIOPE: or perhaps something for yoUr sweet tooth, if a lUst for treats is what stokes yoUr desire?

Calliope produces two dishes from the basket and begins gingerly unwrapping them. The unwrapping is so ginger, in fact, that there’s something almost dramatic about it. Like the opening theme to that boring sci-fi movie with the monolith and the bone-throwing monkeys should be playing as she peels away the cheesecloth.

On one plate is a pile of meat: rare, almost bleeding cuts from animals you can’t identify. The other plate holds a generous heap of colorful, exotic-looking candy. You scoot to the side and peek into the basket to see if there’s anything else. There’s a book in there, but no more food. This is all there is.

> Contemplate your lunch.

You put a finger to your lips and focus on the food with great intensity. You stop fretting about choices, and heartbreak, and eternity, and Lord English. Your entire world narrows to a single point of light as you are utterly consumed by the overbearing decision about which of these absurd meals to have for lunch.

> MEAT or CANDY?

Meat or candy. The two possibilities pinball around your skull making cracks and fractures until your brain is thoroughly concussed. These two words ring in your ears so loudly you feel they might start to bleed.

Meat or candy? It’s a strange and difficult choice that weighs heavily on your shoulders and in your empty gut.

Meat or candy? The meat seems tantalizing, the thought of sinking your teeth into such a soft and succulent slab of protein and fat almost makes you aroused. It could be quite fulfilling, such cut of meat is often hard to digest and will certainly sit in your stomach for a while, that is if you can manage to swallow it without choking. You’re transfixed by the bloody red maw of this unidentifiable hunk of meat and the possibilities it offers. Lord knows your body isn’t what it used to be, you could use a bit of protein in you John. It could really help you get up and walk around, stretch your legs, do something for once in your fucking life John.

Meat or candy. The candy on the other hand looks oh so sweet. None of the heaviness that will certainly befall you if you go with the meat. It’ll sit so lightly that you’ll forget it’s there. This candy is the kind that will feel soft against your teeth and melt on your tongue. This kind of candy offers a pleasure so hedonistic that it’d make Cato and his gilded throat sick with envy. It’ll release so much dopamine in your brain that you’ll forget that you were ever unhappy. Having such a sugar rush will surely give you the confidence, or inhibition, needed to rekindle some of your friendships. You could start right here with Roxy, finally do something with all those lovely emotions that you keep buried in you John. Such thoughts do not deserve to be stuck in a room with one window for their entire life John.

Meat or Candy. These two choices battle it out over your shoulders like an angel and devil. Only if the devil was the gore of all the sinners damned to rot in hell for eternity and the angel the crystalized sweat of the uncaring god who deigned to have humans suffer for their humanity.

Meat or Candy. Did Rose know this was going to happen, why didn’t she give you this choice?

Meat or Candy. Why doesn’t Roxy show any emotion, why doesn’t she say anything? Her face is so unreadable you feel like you’re looking at the executioner’s mask before the axe comes down on your neck.

MEAT or CANDY. You feel the spaces between atoms constrict precisely around your throat and your spit feels like acid burning your mouth. All this over a little choice of lunch, John?

MEAT or CANDY. If you were better equipped for such a choice, you would have made it already. But it’s okay John, you’ve always needed a bit more time and much more guidance to get it right. You’re sweating but you realize why Rose didn’t give you a choice in the first place.

MEAT or CANDY, John. Its okay to be wrong. Don’t be so immobilized by simple decisions. If you knew yourself better it’d be an easy choice, but we can’t all be so lucky.

MEAT or CANDY, John. What will it be? Hasn’t your whole adventure led up to this point? What have you actually worked for if it wasn’t just to make it to this point in time right here? You’ve gone through everyday waiting for something to lift you up by your wings and take you somewhere happy. But you can’t have something unless you take it for yourself, so what will it be? Will you sink or swim, Egbert.

MEAT OR CANDY, John? Don’t be a wimp.

MEAT OR CANDY

  
> Choose:

MEAT

OR

CANDY

> Interject at the last possible second on a fleeting, desperate impulse

JOHN: i have to talk to terezi


	2. Chapter Two

JOHN: terezi are you there?  
JOHN: i know it's been a while and you’re off on your weird quest through the vacuum of space or whatever.  
JOHN: but i really need to talk about something.

You have since moved away to some secluded area of the park. After your little outburst you hadn’t really paid attention in the direction you’re moving or your surroundings. Your eyes are firmly glued to the screen of your phone. It might as well be the only thing in the world right now. You did take some notice of your friends’ reactions as you ditched their lovely picnic. Calliope seemed very surprised and possibly a little miffed about your sudden departure. Roxy, however, seemed relieved in some small way, not that you could tell much from her stoic demeanor. What was she expecting of you if the act of not making a choice gave her relief? What was her plan in bringing you here?  
You try to remember that you are currently having a breakdown over the decision over what to have for lunch. But then again it’s not like you haven’t a substantial choice to make, whether to go fight Lord English or not. Maybe your brain is substituting the lighthearted choice of confectionaries with the hard hitting decision to substantiate your current existence. Your lunch is your lunch, there is no greater meaning here. You want to believe that.

You wait agonizingly for Terezi to respond. You’re not sure why but you feel that talking to her about this will make it all make sense. Time feels like it stops while you stare at the screen hoping to see a flash of teal.

TEREZI: W3ll W3ll W3LL 3B3ERT 1T H4SNT 3V3N B33N TH4T LONG 4ND YOUR3 4LR34DY D3SP3R4R4T3 FOR MY 4TT3NTION  
TEREZI: SO T3LL M3 WH4TS GOT YOU CHOMP1NG 4T MY B1TS SO H4RD TH4T YOU BR3AK YOUR O4TH OF SIL3NC3?  


A wave of relief flows over you. She may not have the nicest things to say but thank god she's there, you begin to feel better already.  
JOHN: oath of silence? what i don’t talk to you for a while and you think that i’ve taken some religious vows or something?

TEREZI: L4ST 1 H34RD YOU W3R3NT T4LK1NG TO ANYON3  
TEREZI: SO NO, 1 DONT TH1NK YOUD T4K3 4 R3L1GIOUS VOW FOR M3 SP3C3FIC4LLY  
TEREZI: BUT TH4TS B3S1D3S TH3 PO1NT  
TEREZI: YOU H4D SOM3TH1NG NON-R3L3G1ON R3L4T3D TO T4LK 4BOUT?  
JOHN: oh yeah…  
JOHN: well, it's a bit difficult to explain really.  
JOHN: i’m trying to decide what to have for lunch.  
TEREZI: JOHN  
TEREZI: YOU M3SS4G3 M3 4LL DR4M4T1C4LLY JUST TO T4LK 4BOUT WH4T TO 34T  
TEREZI: YOU R34LLY 4R3 JUST D3SP3R4T3 TO T4LK TO M3  
TEREZI: NOT TH4T 1 BL4M3 YOU >:]  
JOHN: ugh, shut up!!  
JOHN: this is something serious! Not just some weird flirting thing!  
JOHN: i don’t know, it just seems like a bigger decision than it is.  
JOHN: like it’s not just about lunch, it’s about …  
JOHN: existence?  
JOHN: or the way i want to exist? i’m not sure about any of it but it’s freaking me out and i don’t know what to do now.  
JOHN: roxy and calliope are probably pissed at me for ditching them but i just needed you to help me figure this out.  
TEREZI: W3LL JOHN, 1T LOOKS L1K3 YOUR3 H4V1NG 4 CL4SS1C 3X3T3NS14L CR1S1S  
TEREZI: 1T H4PP3NS TO TH3 B3ST OF US  
TEREZI: PL34S3 ST3P 1NTO DR. PYROP3S OFF1C3 FOR 4 V3RY THOROUGH EX4M1N4T1ON  
TEREZI: *SN1FF* MHM 4H Y3S I S33 TH3 PROBL3M  
TEREZI: 1TS MY M3D1C4L OP1N1ON TH4T YOU SHOULD CH1LL TH3 FUCK OUT  
TEREZI: YOU M4Y L34V3 NOW, 4ND M4K3 SUR3 TO G3T M3 ONE OF THOS3 CH3RRY LOLL1POPS ON YOUR W4Y OUT  
JOHN: i’m pretty sure those are supposed to be for the patients.  
TEREZI: NOT 1N MY OFF1C3 3BG3RT, 1 B3L31V3 4S TH1S PL4C3’S SOL3 PR4CT1ON3R TH4T 1 D3S3RV3 TH3 SPO1LS MUCH MOR3 TH4N 4NY CHUMP WHO W4LKS THROUGH TH3 DOOR  
JOHN: i’m sure all of your patients are thrilled to have you as a doctor and definitely haven’t accused you of malpractice!  
TEREZI: 4 GOOD DOCTOR ALW4YS PUTS THE H4PP1N3SS OF H3R P4T13NTS FIRST  
TEREZI: 4ND WH3N TH3Y 4R3NT H4PPY, SH3 M4K3S SUR3 TH3Y WONT B3 COMPL41N1NG ANYT1M3 SOON >:]  
JOHN: wow in that case i definitely don’t care about your medical opinion!  
JOHN: i am going to continue to absolutely freak out if only to alert the medical board of your horribly unethical practice.  
TEREZI: JOHN 1F TH1S D3C1S1ON 1S R34LLY FR34K1NG YOU OUT TH4T MUCH TH3N JUST  
TEREZI: DONT D3C1D3, OR DO SOM3TH1NG 3LS3  
JOHN: uh… i’m not sure that’s really possible here.  
TEREZI: PL34S3 JOHN, 1 TH1NK 1V3 M4D3 3NOUGH B1N4RY CHO1C3S 1N MY L1F3 TO B3 4N 3XP3RT ON TH3M  
TEREZI: TH3R3S 4LW4YS 4NOTH3R OPT1ON

This thought sits in your stomach for a while before it finally reaches your brain. What even is the other option here? You feel pretty certain that you can either go fight Lord English or don’t. Meat or candy. You’re in check and need to make a move because the very rules of the game dictate that you must.

JOHN: not when the two choices are the only ones possible!  
JOHN: if i could get out of this i would, but it doesn’t work like that.  
JOHN: when the two choices automatically rule out all others you can’t help but make the decision.  
JOHN: it’s the reality we live in.  
TEREZI: S4YS TH3 P3RSON WHO L1T3R4LLY RE-WROT3 R34L1TY  
JOHN: this is different!  
TEREZI: 1S 1T, JOHN?  
TEREZI: TH1S 4LL S33MS 4 B1T TOO F4T4L1ST1C FOR YOU  
TEREZI: WH4T H4PP3N3D TO TH4T 1NSUFF3R4BLY PLUCK3Y 3GB3RT 4TT1TUD3?  
TEREZI: H4S ST4Y1NG ON THE OV3RS4TUR4T3D, M4K3-B3L13V3 UTOP14 YOU C4LL HOM3 F1N4LLY M4D3 YOU 4S J4D3D 4S TH3 R3ST OF US?  
JOHN: it’s not that bad here and you know it.  
JOHN: or you would if you stayed for longer than you did.  
TEREZI: 1 ST4Y3D TH3R3 FOR 3X4CTLY 4S LONG 4S 1 N33D3D TO  
TEREZI: 1 KN3W TH4T 1 COULDNT ST4ND TH3 1N3VIT4BL3 1NT3RP3RSON4L CONFL1CTS AND LOV3 4FF4IRS TH4T TH3 POSTGAM3 WOULD DRUDG3 UP  
TEREZI: W3R3 JUST NOT M34NT TO H4V3 NOTH1NG TO DO B3S1D3S 4CTU4LLY T4LK1NG TO 34CH OTH3R  
JOHN: do you actually believe that, or did you just trade having love affairs on earth c for having a love affair in space?  
TEREZI: …  
TEREZI: TOUCH3, 3GB3RT  
JOHN: you really miss her that bad?  
TEREZI: LOOK  
TEREZI: G3TT1NG 1NTO 4LL THE BULLSH1T SH3N4N1G4NS 4ND PO1NTL3SS DR4M4 TO K33P OURS3LV3S OCCUP13D WOULDNT B3 TH3 S4M3 W1THOUT H3R  
JOHN: i guess i get that, i’d be pretty bummed if rose, dave, or jade wasn’t here to enjoy the fun of growing up as a god.  
TEREZI: Y34H  
JOHN: …  
JOHN: um, i think we got a little off track there.  


You take this awkward moment as time to collect your thoughts. Terezi has a way of throwing you off and making the conversation take some weird turns. Terezi has always been strange but the decision to abandon all her friends to go off on a potentially never ending quest to find Vriska strikes you as especially strange. As strange as she is, she’s infinitely more complicated and you may never understand how her mind works, or how she truly feels about the other people in her life. You feel as if she’s constantly playing a game of mental chess with every word she says, but a version of chess whose rules only she knows. She definitely has issues, but hey, don’t all of you gods do.

You’ve been twirling your thumbs for possibly too long now. You still got two ladies who you have complicated feelings about waiting for you. Actually who knows if they’re still there, you definitely made them worry enough to come look for you or pissed off enough to leave. Either way, you still have a decision to make. Meat or Candy, John?

TEREZI: UGHHHH  
JOHN: what?  
TEREZI: NOTH1NG  
JOHN: … alright.  
JOHN: anyway, i guess i never explained the actual situation properly.  
JOHN: basically, i have to decide whether to go off and fight lord english to make sure we stay “canon” or whatever, or to just stay here and not do that i guess?  
TEREZI: 1 THOUGHT YOU W3R3 TRY1NG TO D3C1D3 WH4T TO H4V3 FOR LUNCH?  
JOHN: i was! … er i am.  
JOHN: i think they might be the same thing?  
JOHN: i’m not sure what it all means really…  
JOHN: i just know it’s important that i make a decision either way.  
TEREZI: OK4Y F1RST OF 4LL, WHO PUT YOU UP TO K1LL1NG 3NGL1GH 4ND WHY  
JOHN: rose did!  
JOHN: she said that i have to go kill him to keep earth c from fading into nothing essentially, to be honest i only understood about half of what she said.  
JOHN: she thankfully gave me a list of stuff to do and points to jump to with my retcon powers to keep me on track.  
TEREZI: COPY1NG M3 HUH  
TEREZI: WHY MS L4LOND3 1 S33 THROUGH YOUR SCH3M3S  
TEREZI: OR MRS L4LOND3 NOW, THOUGH H3R HUM4N M4R1T4L ST4TUS S33MS TO H4V3 NO B34R1NG ON H3R OBV1OUS P1N1NG FOR M3  
JOHN: you think everyone has a thing for you.  
TEREZI: 4M 1 WRONG?  
JOHN: yeah!  
TEREZI: JOHN  
TEREZI: TH4T W4S 4 V3RY M34N TH1NG TO S4Y >:[  
JOHN: well i’m sorry that i’m not going to humor your weird fascination with having everyone secretly crush on you!  
TEREZI: DO YOU G3T OFF ON M4K1NG BL1ND G1RLS CRY JOHN?  
TEREZI: 1 4M PR4CT1C4LLY SOBB1NG OV3R H3R3 BEC4US3 YOU C4NT H3LP BUT B3 A HUG3 B1TCH  
JOHN: oh i’m sure that your tears are forming a huge teal tinted meteor out there in space.  
JOHN: and i am not a huge bitch!  
TEREZI: JOHN, 1M GONN4 S4Y TH1S 4S YOUR FR13ND  
TEREZI: YOU C4N BE 4 B1T OF 4 B1TCH SOM3TIM3S  
JOHN: UGH, whatever!  
TEREZI: 1F YOUR3 DON3 B31NG 4 B1TCH 1 ST1LL GOT SOM3 W1SDOM TO SH4R3  
JOHN: go ahead, ms all knowing seer.  
TEREZI: TH4NK YOU >:]  
TEREZI: 1T M4K3S S3NS3 TH4T ROS3 WOULD PUT YOU UP TO SOM3TH1NG L1K3 TH1S  
TEREZI: SH3 1S 4 SCH3M3R, SH3 LOV3S M4K1NG UP 1NTR1C4T3 PL4NS 1NVOLV1NG H3R FR13NDS  
TEREZI: SH3 P41RS W3LL W1TH K4N4Y4S M3DDL3R T3ND3NC13S  
TEREZI: SH3 4LSO 1S TH3 ONLY ON3 OF OUR FR13ND GROUP WHO G1V3S 4 SH1T 4BOUT PO1NTL3SS STUFF L1K3 “C4NON”  
TEREZI: WH1CH BR1NGS M3 TO MY N3XT PO1NT  
TEREZI: DO YOU 4CTU4LLY C4R3 4BOUT GO1NG TO F1GHT LORD 3NGL1SH OR S4V1NG C4NON?  
JOHN: um… well…  
JOHN: i care about saving all my friends and making sure that we don’t fade away into nothing  
JOHN: and lord english is this huge asshole who kind of tormented us through our whole combined sessions? so i think it’s pretty important to go finally kill him!  
TEREZI: WH1L3 1TS V3RY 4DOR4BL3 HOW MUCH YOU C4R3 4BOUT 4LL OF US, 1T JUST SOUNDS L1K3 YOUR3 TRY1NG TO CONV1NC3 YOURS3LF TH4T TH1S WHOL3 S1TU4T1ON 1S 4 FOR3GON3 CONCLUS1ON  
TEREZI: TH4T YOU H4V3 TO PL4Y BY SOM3ON3 3LS3S RUL3S  
TEREZI: C4NON 1S WH4T YOU M4K3 OF 1T, 4ND 1N YOUR C4S3 TH4TS L1T3R4L  
JOHN: so… what should i do?  
TEREZI: UGHHHH, JOHN 4R3 YOU TH3 BL1ND ON3 NOW?  
TEREZI: 1 DONT G1V3 4 SH1T 4BOUT WH4T YOU DO  
TEREZI: JUST TH4T YOUR3 TH3 ON3 WHO 4CTU4LLY D3C1D3S TO DO 1T  


You stop and think about this for a moment. You think about all the decisions you made and things that have happened to during the course of your teenage life. You come up lacking. How much of the events in your life have been out of your control. Sure, the alpha timeline dictated that certain things had to happen in a certain way, but for you it wasn’t always the nature of reality pushing you around. Putting it like that, though, makes it seem like you were not complicit in it. You were very receptive to following all the orders from the girls in your life, from Rose, to Vriska and Terezi, then to just Terezi, and now back to Rose. In fact, the amount of binary decisions that have been presented to you, rather than by you, is rather staggering. You’re a victim of fate much like everyone else, but it seems that your fate is victim to everyone else’s fate. You’re one degree of abstraction below everyone else, where your free will works in service to everything above you. You get the feeling that everything you’ve done has been commanded to you by those who work above you somehow.

It really doesn’t make you feel good. It almost makes you angry, but you can’t bring yourself to be angry at your friends. They are everything to you, and it’s not their fault that you are incapable of moving on your own. You feel your feet sink into the ground below you like you are literally rooting yourself to this place. Your hands feel weak as they struggle to stay up and hold your phone.

You’re not sure what to do, and that terrifies you. The very simple act of movement seems like an impossible feat. What do you do when you’re acting completely in your own interest? Do you even know enough about yourself to say what is or is not in your interest? How do you know whatever you do is the right decision? You can’t decide because you are incapable of decision.

JOHN: terezi, i don’t know about this… it doesn’t feel right…  
JOHN: i can’t just suddenly make reality what ever i want it to be.  
JOHN: i mean there’s rules and stuff for how this works, i can’t just use my powers to do something just because i feel like it!  
JOHN: i have to use it responsibly and for a good reason! I can’t -  
TEREZI: UGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  
TEREZI: BL4H BL4H BL4H  
TEREZI: JOHN, WHO 4CTU4LLY G1V3S 4 FUCK  
TEREZI: 1T R34LLY DO3SNT M4TT3R 1F YOU M4N4G3 TO FUCK SOM3TH1NG UP  
TEREZI: 1T M4TT3RS TH4T YOUR3 TH3 ON3 FUCK1NG 1T UP  
TEREZI: GO BUST 1N 4 W1NDOW OR SL4SH SOM3 POOR FUCK3RS TYR3S JUST TO R3TCON TH3M B4CK  
TEREZI: W41T DONT DO TH4T 4CTU4LLY B3CAUS3 1 JUST TOLD YOU TO DO 1T  
TEREZI: LOOK TH3 PO1NT 1S TH4T YOU GOTT4 K1LL 4 F3W CLUCKB34ST YOUNGL1NGS TO M4K3 4 YOLKY NUTR1T1ON4L PL4TT3R  
TEREZI: SO 1F WH4T3V3R YOU 3ND UP DO1NG FUCKS UP TH3 F4BR1C OF R34L1ITY, 1TLL B3 WORTH 1T B3CAUS3 YOUR3 TH3 ON3 WHO FUCK3D 1T UP  
JOHN: im still not sure…  
TEREZI: DONT B3 4 W1MP JOHN  
TEREZI: COM3 ON, YOU OW3 M3  
JOHN: owe you for what exactly?  
TEREZI: FOR C4LL1NG M3 UGLY 34RL13R, LOS3R  
JOHN: i never called you ugly!  
TEREZI: YOU 1MPL13D TH4T 1 W4SNT 4TTR4CT1V3 3NOUGH TO H4V3 3V3RYON3 COM3 4FT3R MY NOOK  
JOHN: what the hell i didn’t imply anything like that!  
TEREZI: GOOD LUCK PROV1NG YOUR 1NNOC3NC3 1N TH3 COURT OF L4W  
TEREZI: YOU KNOW HOW MUCH SYMP4THY H1S HON3R4BL3 TYR4NNY H4S FOR THOS3 WHO CROSS H1S MOST TRUST3D 4ND V3N3R4T3D L3G1SL4C3R4TOR?  
TEREZI: NOT 3NOUGH TO W4RR3NT A QU1CK 4ND P41NL3SS D34TH >:]  
JOHN: god you’re so fucking weird  
TEREZI: Y3T 4NOTH3R BRUT4L 1NSULT, 4ND R1GHT 1N FRONT OF H1S HONOR4BL3 TYR3NNY NO L3SS  
TEREZI: 3GB3RT YOU AR3 QU1CKLY MOV1NG 4W4Y FROM 4 D1GN1F13D D34TH BY MY BL4D3 TO B31NG D3VOR3D BY W1LD LUS11  
JOHN: oh you wouldn’t be able to land a hit on me and you know it  
TEREZI: 4 CH4LL3NG3 TO TH3 D34TH 1N TH3 M1DDLE OF TH3 COURTROOM? YOUR3 PROV1NG TO B3 QU1T3 3NT3RT41N1NG FOR H1S HONOR4BL3 TYR4NNY  
TEREZI: YOUR3 W1MPY NOODL3 BODY 1S NO M4TCH FOR TH3 B3ST TH4T 4LT3RN14 H4S TO OFF3R  
JOHN: i guess alternia really was pretty shitty then!  
TEREZI: >:O  
TEREZI: TH4TS 1T JOHN 1M GONN4 K1CK TH3 SH1T OUT OF YOU  
JOHN: ha! you’d have to come back to earth c to do that!  
JOHN: i guess it’s you who is the wimp.  
TEREZI: 1 DONT N33D TO B3 TH3R3 PHYS1C4LLY TO W34R YOU DOWN  
TEREZI: 1 KNOW HOW YOU WORK, WH4T M4K3S YOU T1CK  
TEREZI: MY SUBTL3 MAN1PUL4T1ON H4S 4LR34DY B3GUN  
TEREZI: B3FOR3 YOU KNOW 1T YOULL B3 4 HUSK ON TH3 GROUND SLOWLY W4ST1NG 4W4Y B3C4US3 YOU KNOW TH4T YOU GOT COMPL3T3LY AND UTT3RLY OWN3D BY 4 G1RL OV3R TH3 1NT3RN3T  
TEREZI: 4ND 1LL B3 TH3R3 1N YOUR F1N4L MOM3NTS, L4UGH1NG OV3R YOU 4S 1 GO TO F1N4LLY L4P UP TH4T C4NDY R3D BLOOD YOUV3 B33N SO S3LF1SHLY HO4RD1NG  
JOHN: you’re so gross!! and fucking weird!!  
JOHN: i don’t get your whole obsession with constantly trying to mess with me!  
TEREZI: B3C4US3 1TS FUN MOSTLY, 4ND YOU M4K3 YOURS3LF SUCH 4N 34SY T4RG3T FOR R3L3NTL3SS T34S1NG 1 C4NT NOT DO 1T  
JOHN: yeah well, you can fuck off with it!  
TEREZI: OH COM3 ON JOHN DONT B3 4 W1MP  
JOHN: and stop calling me that!!  
TEREZI: WHY JOHN? DO3S 1T G3T UND3R YOUR SK1N? >:]  
JOHN: UGH, shut up!  
TEREZI: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3HH3H3H3H3  
TEREZI: YOU TRULY DO M4K3 1T W4Y TOO 34SY 3GB3RT  
JOHN: now i really do want to go fight you.  
TEREZI: OH MY, W3LL 1 4M JUST FLY1NG THROUGH H3R3 W1TH MY GU4RD DOWN  
TEREZI: 1 WOULDNT 3V3N S33 YOU COM1NG  
TEREZI: SO YOU JUST DO WH4T3V3R YOU W4NT, W1NDY BOY  
TEREZI: 1M NOT WORR13D THOUGH  
TEREZI: YOU DONT H4V3 1T 1N YOU  
JOHN: i so too have it in me!  
TEREZI: PL34S3 JOHN, YOU C4NT PUNCH 4 PR3TTY F4C3 L1K3 M1N3  
TEREZI: YOU CRY WH3N YOU S33 ON3 OF YOUR S4L4M4ND3RS TR1P OV3R 4ND SCR4P3 TH31R CUT3 L1TTL3 KN33S  
JOHN: i do not!  
TEREZI: JAD3 TOLD M3  
JOHN: fuck.  
TEREZI: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3  
TEREZI: JOHN F4C3 1T, YOU 4R3 4 W1MP  
JOHN: fuck you!  
TEREZI: W1MP  
JOHN: fuck off!!  
TEREZI: YOUR3 L1K3 4 L1TTL3 N3WLY H4TCH3D WR1GGL3R  
JOHN: i said FUCK OFF.  
TEREZI: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3  
TEREZI: OH JOHN WH4T WOULD YOU DO W1THOUT M3  
JOHN: probably be a hell of a lot less annoyed!  
TEREZI: YOUD B3 D3V3ST4T3D 1F 1 SUDD3NLY STOPP3D 4NNOY1NG YOU  
TEREZI: DONT L13 TO YOURS3LF  
JOHN: id be so happy that the guiness book of world records would have me listed as the happiest person in the world.  
TEREZI: 1 DONT KNOW WH4T TH4T 1S OR 1F 1T R34LLY 3X1STS BUT 1F 1T DO3S, YOUD B3 TH3 DORK13ST P3RSON 1N TH3 WORLD  
JOHN: UGGGHHHHHHHH

She is really getting on your nerves now. You kind of regret going to her in your time of need, what did she even accomplish for you? Some weird platitudes about making your own fate or something? It’s pointless anyway, you just need to resign yourself to the fact that you have to make a choice and just learn to be happy with it. You don’t understand why she does all of this, especially since you’re just out here looking for help. She could have just said what you needed to hear and be on her merry way floating out in the endless void. Why is she so bent on relentlessly trolling you; you’re kind of pissed about it.

TEREZI: 4LR1GHT 3GB3RT  
TEREZI: TH4T W4S FUN  
TEREZI: BUT 1 GOT TO GO NOW, 1 H4V3 V3RY 1MPORT4NT SP4C3 BUSIN3SS TO 4TT3ND TO  
TEREZI: 1 HOP3 WH4T 1 TOLD YOU G3TS THROUGH TH4T D3NS3 H34D OF YOURS

Oh thank god she’s leaving. You were really getting tired of her antics and honestly just need some time to yourself to sort out your thoughts. You decide to just close your phone instead of texting a goodbye message, you’ll just let this conversation go for now. You’ll definitely try to stop thinking about Terezi for now as well, you feel like you need to take a mental shower after talking to her for so long. She has your head bouncing around with thoughts and you’re just tired after all this. She has exhausted your mental capacities. Ha, maybe she wasn’t off base when she said that she could wear you out even from the vacuum of space. You’ll give her that, she’s usually not wrong about things and is genuinely smart about how she goes about talking to people. She’s definitely very good at trolling you, evidenced by the fact that even though you’re trying to take a break from thinking about her, you can’t.

You go to put your phone into your pocket, but it vibrates before you can fit it in. One last message from the queen of trolling it seems. 

TEREZI: <3<

You don’t think about what you’re doing, you’re not thinking at all. Your eyes are closed and you feel some strange emotion swell up inside you and expel itself through raging electricity and the sensation of pure void pass around your whole body. You have an image in your head, not consciously summoned but there nonetheless, of Terezi. You imagine her all her features, her personality, your history with her, and the Terezi that exists in your head is completely laid bare for your consciousness to consume. You have strong feelings for the person you see. Feelings that you can’t quite describe, and are quite reluctant to try. You feel warm with this image in your brain, and that warmth grows and grows until your body feels like it’s on fire. The fire doesn’t burn per say, but it still roars inside you.  
It roars until you can’t keep your eyes closed any longer, not that even knew you had them shut tight. When you open them, you don’t see anything at first, just black. Slowly, smaller details make themselves known to you. Shards of space, the glint on the edges of dream bubbles, the occasional ghost, cracks of rainbow technicolor, all the cosmic debris of reality breaking apart. You turn your head slightly and you see the source of this destruction, the supermassive blackhole with the remnants of the Green Sun still orbiting it, sucking in and reducing to subatomic particles all of Paradox Space.

You turn around and see her.

JOHN: what the fuck?

You turn around and see Terezi Pyrope.

TEREZI: >:O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	3. Chapter 3

TEREZI: JOHN??  
TEREZI: WH4T TH3 FUCK 4R3 YOU DO1NG H3R3?   
JOHN: uh……  
JOHN: i don’t know!!  
JOHN: i didn’t do this! i have no idea what the fuck is going on!? 

You’re genuinely scared. You thought you were in control of your powers? Why is this happening? Why did you come here? You don’t even remember coming here. One moment you were looking at your phone and the next you were right here standing, floating rather, next to Terezi. The moments directly preceding your sudden transition do slowly come back to you, however you try not to think about whatever Terezi said to you. You kind of have a more pressing matter at hand here, you believe. 

JOHN: i was just standing around and now i’m out here!  
JOHN: i definitely didn’t mean to jump over here.  
TEREZI: HM  
TEREZI: 4 L1K3LY STORY  
TEREZI: 1V3 GOT TO S4Y YOUV3 R34LLY H4V3 M3 B34T 3GB3RT  
TEREZI: 1 D1DNT TH1NK YOU H4D 1T 1N YOU TO 4CTU4LLY L34V3 YOUR L1TTL3 P4R4D1S3  
TEREZI: 1 GU3SS 1 R34LLY DO G3T UND3R YOUR SK1N 1N 4LL TH3 R1GHT W4YS >;]  
JOHN: ugh, stop with the weird flirting!  
JOHN: this is serious! i think i might not have control over my powers right now!  
JOHN: thats like really dangerous, if something bad happens i could seriously fuck up the entire timeline!  
JOHN: holy shit what if i accidently go back and kill us as babies or make sure that we aren’t born at all!  
JOHN: it could be full back to the future but this time it’d be permanent and not a totally mediocre movie that’s super overrated!  
TEREZI: JOHN C4LM DOWN  
TEREZI: SO YOU R34LLY C4M3 H3R3 BY 4CC1D3NT 4ND YOUR3 NOT JUST PULL1NG 4 CONVUL3T3D C4LIG1NOUS PR4NK ON M3  
JOHN: yes!!  
TEREZI: 1 DONT TH1NK 1 BUY TH4T JOHN  
JOHN: oh fuck off!  
TEREZI: W3LL H4S TH1S 3V3R H4PP3N3D B3FOR3?  
JOHN: uh, i guess a couple times before.  
JOHN: but that was when i first got my powers, i didn’t know how to use them so i was just bouncing around the place at random.  
JOHN: i know how to use my powers now, so to randomly jump is kind of freaking me out!  
TEREZI: W3LL WH4T 1F 1T W4SNT R4NDOM?  
TEREZI: TH1S 1S K1ND OF 4 V3RY SP3C1F1C PO1NT 1N T1M3 4ND SP4C3, 1T WOULD B3 4 HUG3 CO1NC1D3NC3 1F YOU H4D JUST R4NDOMLY T3L3PORT3D TO TH3 G1RL YOU W3R3 JUST T4LK1NG TO  
TEREZI: 3SP3C14LLY W1THOUT 4NY OTH3R JUMPS B3FOR3 H4ND  
TEREZI: 1 DONT KNOW JOHN, 1 TH1NK YOU JUST W4NT3D TO COM3 S33 M3  
JOHN: i didn’t though!  
JOHN: i just saw your text and got transported here!  
TEREZI: YOU R34LLY DONT S33 THE CORR3L4T1ON B3TW33N H4V1NG 4 G1RL FL1RT W1TH YOU 4ND TH3N SUDD3NLY COM1NG TO S33 H3R?  
TEREZI: 1 KNOW YOUR3 D3NS3 3GB3RT BUT COM3 ON  
JOHN: uh… 

Looks like you can’t not think about her text now. Honestly, where do you even begin? Terezi is good at catching you off guard with her weird attacks but this feels different. You don’t feel like she meant it in the same way that she normally means things, if that makes sense. It’s softer somehow. You don’t think that you felt the same way you always feel when talking to her, as well. That idea scares you more. You’re probably just overthinking it, really. There’s no way she means something serious here! That’d be kinda weird if she has a thing for you while on a whole romantic quest to get with Vriska. You never really understood the whole quadrant thing that well but this seems especially egregious. It just doesn’t make sense. Besides, you’re you! You’re kind of a fucking goober! It doesn’t make sense for Terezi to be actually into you. You’re certain on this. Terezi is the type of person who just loves to flirt, she loves to see the reactions and play around with people. It's a game for her where she is always the winner. 

JOHN: look, you joke flirt with me all the time and this never happened!  
JOHN: i don’t know what caused me to come here, but i can be pretty sure that it doesn’t have anything to do with that.  
TEREZI: WH4T 1F 1 W4SNT JOK3 FL1RT1NG?

Oh what the fuck. 

JOHN: what?  
TEREZI: YOU H34RD M3 EGB3RT  
TEREZI: W3V3 B33N D4NC1NG 4ROUND 1T FOR A WH1L3  
TEREZI: 1 H4V3 4 LOT OF FR33 T1M3 L4T3LY SO 1 THOUGHT 1T W4S T1M3 W3 H4SH TH1S OUT  
TEREZI: 1 W4S GO1NG TO TRY TO SLOWLY WORK UP TO TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON  
TEREZI: BUT 1T 4PP34RS TH4T YOU W4NT TO MOV3 4 B1T F4ST3R  
JOHN: uh… i don’t understand.  
JOHN: i… uh…  
JOHN: i thought we were kind of just good friends?  
JOHN: like this is just the thing that we do!  
JOHN: you mess with me and i get annoyed and mess with you and we just do it all again.  
TEREZI: JOHN TH4TS 4 CL4SSIC C4LIGNINOUS R3L4T1ONS1P  
JOHN: oh jesus christ, i don’t get troll quadrants!  
JOHN: look i’m not dave or rose, i just don’t do that whole thing!  
TEREZI: TH4TS WHY 1 W4NT3D TO T4K3 TH1S SLOWLY  
TEREZI: 1 DONT W4NT TO M4K3 YOU UNCOMFORT4BL3  
TEREZI: W3LL NOT UNCOMFORT4BL3 1N A B4D W4Y 4T L34ST  
JOHN: is there a good way to be uncomfortable?  
TEREZI: >;]  
JOHN: don’t do that.  
TEREZI: W4TCH TH1S  
TEREZI: >:]  
TEREZI: > :]  
TEREZI: >:]  
JOHN: UGH, i hate you.  
JOHN: wait, n-  
TEREZI: G4SP  
TEREZI: JOHN, W3R3 MOV1NG SO F4ST NOW  
TEREZI: 1M NOT SUR3 1 C4N K33P UP W1TH TH3S3 4DV4NC3S, YOUR3 COM1NG ON SO STRONG MY L1TTL3 T34L H34RT M1GHT BURST  
TEREZI: 1 L1K3 1T >;]  
JOHN: oh my god.  
JOHN: alright, we’re ending this conversation right now.  
JOHN: i kind of have the whole “retcon powers gone hay wire” issue still going on in case you forgot.  
TEREZI: JUST F4C3 1T 3GB3RT  
TEREZI: YOU W4NT3D TO COM3 S33 TO M3 4ND S1NC3 YOUR3 1N SUCH CL4SS1C 3GB3RT D3N14L 4BOUT 1T, YOUR3 POW3RS JUST R34CT3D B4S3D ON 3MOT1ON R4TH3R TH4N CONSC1OUS THOUGHT  
TEREZI: TH3R3S NOTH1NG WRONG W1TH YOU  
TEREZI: OTH3R TH4N YOU C4NT JUST 4CC3PT TH4T 4 CUT3 G1RL L1K3S YOU

You’re not really sure how to respond to that. The information being conveyed in this conversation isn’t hitting your brain quite right. You feel... You’re not sure how you feel actually. You’re confused, really, about everything. Your sudden, uncontrolled use of your powers, about how Terezi might just be fucking right about why that happened, about Terezi, about your feelings. It always comes back to feelings doesn’t it? You swear that this whole fucking universe is set up to make you always have feelings about things. 

You’re not sure where to go from here. You’re not sure of anything suddenly. 

But it seems that you have a choice to make at this moment. Remember choices, John? Yeah that's a thing that will continue to be a thing until the heat death of the universe, or when you make a fucking choice, which ever comes first. 

JOHN: shit  
TEREZI: F1N4LLY G3TT1NG TH3 P1CTUR3?  
JOHN: what?  
JOHN: no.  
JOHN: i just realized that i kind of left roxy and calliope hanging there.  
JOHN: well, more so than i already was.  
JOHN: i still have to make a choice.  
TEREZI: YOU 4LR34DY D1D LOS3R 

You perk up at this. Your entire, unbridled attention at this moment is on Terezi. You finally have a clear enough head to take in the person in front of you. She very much looks like the same Terezi that helped you win the game and the one who abandoned its ultimate award. You as well, but you try not to think of it that way. Her hair looks just as disheveled and unkempt as it did back then, if a little bit longer. Her eyes are still as piercing as ever, even with the lack of distinguishable pupils, but with a hint of exhaustion. Her lips still skillfully hide her freakishly sharp teeth, only revealing them when she absolutely wants to. You look away from her lips to catch her full face into your gaze. She still looks like the Terezi you know and have complicated feelings towards, but she seems different somehow. More tired, you suppose. 

You are transfixed on her at this moment. Not just because she is about to lay some sick knowledge down on you, but because… you’re not sure. Looking at her, having her be right there in front of you after you thought she’d be gone forever is making you feel content, happy even. You realize that you missed her so fucking much. Dunking on each other occasionally over text is nothing compared to seeing each other in person. You’d hug her if she wasn’t about to lay down the aforementioned sick knowledge. 

TEREZI: 1F 1 4M UND3RST4ND1NG TH1S CORR3CTLY  
TEREZI: YOU H4D TO 31TH3R GO F1GHT LORD SKULLFUCK3R OR ST4Y ON BULLSH1T DR34M L4ND FOR3V3R  
TEREZI: THOS3 W3R3 YOUR TWO OPT1ONS  
TEREZI: BUT B3CAUS3 YOU 4R3 TH3 M4ST3R OF YOUR OWN F4T3, YOU D3C1D3D TO S4Y FUCK TH4T 4ND COM3 H4NG OUT W1TH M3 INST34D  
TEREZI: OR 4T L34ST YOUR BR41N D1D, B3C4US3 GOG FORB1D 3GB3RT CONSC1OUSLY DO3S SOM3TH1NG H3 W4NTS TO DO  
TEREZI: SO CONGR4TUL4T1ONS  
TEREZI: YOU B34T TH3 SYST3M

You take a moment to process what she said, it's a bit difficult to do so because you are totally still staring at her. She’s definitely taken notice but since the you two are having a serious conversation about the continued existence of reality, she probably lets it go. 

You’re apprehensive to the argument she just presented to you. It can’t be that easy right? No way, Rose would have taken thirty minutes to explain what she just did in one and probably would have a two hour long counter-argument prepared. 

JOHN: …  
JOHN: did i though?  
JOHN: i don’t think running away exactly fixes this?  
JOHN: i mean isn’t reality going to fade away if i don’t fight lord english?  
TEREZI: 1F TH4T 1D34 R34LLY BOTH3R3D YOU 4S MUCH 4S YOU TH1NK 1T DO3S, YOU WOULDNT B3 FR34K1NG OUT 4BOUT 4 CHO1C3 TO NOT 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3  
JOHN: … i guess you’re right about that  
JOHN: but i don’t understand how just running away from my responsibilities helps my situation.  
TEREZI: 1 DONT TH1NK YOUR3 JUST RUNN1NG FROM YOUR PROBL3MS  
TEREZI: 3V3N 1F YOU W3R3 1T WOULDNT M4TT3R  
TEREZI: NOT M4K1NG 4 CHO1C3 1S ST1LL M4K1NG 4 CHO1C3  
TEREZI: 4ND 1TS TH3 D3C1S1ON TH4T M4TT3RS H3R3, NOT N3C3SSAR1LY TH3 CONS3QU3NC3S  
TEREZI: YOU W3R3 PR3S3NT3D W1TH 4 CHO1C3 WH1CH YOU B3L13V3D WOULD H4V3 D33PLY 3X1ST3NT14L R4M1F1C4T1ONS  
TEREZI: WH3N 1T COM3S TO M4TT3RS OF 3X1ST3NC3, YOU H4V3 TO D3C1D3 WH4T R34L1TY YOUD R4TH3R L1V3 1N B3C4US3 TH3Y BOTH 4LR34DY 3X1ST 4ND TH3R3S NOT MUCH YOU C4N DO 4BOUT 1T  
TEREZI: BUT YOU D1DNT W4NT 31TH3R SO YOU CHOS3 YOUR OWN P4TH  
TEREZI: YOUR OWN R34L1TY  
JOHN: so what you’re saying is that i still made the choice just not in this reality?  
JOHN: how do we know if i made the right one though? Maybe there was a reason that there were only two options?  
JOHN: not going along with what was presented could have some major consequences! like are we going to die in here and just become ghosts in the dream bubbles?  
TEREZI: 1 DONT TH1NK TH1S 1S L1K3 B3FOR3, TH3R3S NO 4LPH4 T1M3L1N3 TO 4DH34R TO  
TEREZI: TH3R3S NO R1GHT OR WRONG 4NSW3RS OUT H3R3 3GB3RT  
TEREZI: SO JUST BUCKL3 UP FOR WH4T3V3R D1S4ST3ROUS CONS3QU3NC3S COM1NG OUT TO SP4C3 TO CRUSH 3V3N H4RD3R W1LL H4V3  
JOHN: that’s not funny! this is serious!  
JOHN: i don’t want to have reality tear a part because of some dumb decision i made!  
JOHN: i don't want all my friends to suffer because i couldn’t make a fucking decision and had this whole freak out moment that lead me to maybe not being able to fix it!

You’re having a freak out moment now, this train of thought is really fucking you up. You can’t handle the idea that your inability to move your feet has caused some irreparable damage. You feel the world shift around you as you think about all the things that could go wrong here. The dissolution of canon and reality. The death of your friends. All because of you. Why did you do this? Why couldn’t you just do what you were good at and just follow orders. Being told how to exist is the only way you can exist, otherwise you just waste away alone without a personhood to speak of. Why are you out here play-acting as a person? Fuck, you need to make this right and just go back to the way things were. 

JOHN: wait.  
JOHN: i can fix it, i can just retcon back to before i left and stop myself!  
JOHN: we can avoid what ever consequences this might have caused!  
TEREZI: 1 GU3SS  
TEREZI: YOU DONT 3V3N W4NT TO F1GUR3 OUT WH4T TH3 CONS3QU3NC3S 4R3 B3FOR3 YOU GO TRY1NG TO ‘F1X’ 1T?  
JOHN: what if something bad happens and i can’t go back?  
TEREZI: UGHHH YOUR3 NO FUN  
TEREZI: WH4TS 4 L1TTL3 MORT4L 4ND 3X1ST3NT14L D4NG3R?  
TEREZI: 4R3 YOU 4FR41D OF L1V1NG 4 L1TTL3 B1T OR SOM3TH1NG 3GB3RT?  
JOHN: uh… no!  
JOHN: i’m sorry that i’m just more responsible than you!  
JOHN: we can’t all go off on adventures that put people in danger.  
TEREZI: 4ND WHO 3X4CTLY 4M 1 PUTT1NG 1N D4NG3R OUT H3R3  
JOHN: yourself!!  
TEREZI: >:[  
TEREZI: 1M F1NE  
JOHN: are you?  
JOHN: you don’t look very fine to me.  
TEREZI: YOU S33M V3RY 1NT3R3ST3D W1TH TH3 WAY 1 LOOK 3GB3RT  
TEREZI: YOU H4V3NT B33N 4BL3 TO K33P YOUR 3Y3 OFF M3 S1NC3 YOU GOT H3R3  
JOHN: how can you even tell where i’m looking?  
TEREZI: 1 C4N SM3LL YOUR 1NF4TU4T1ON  
TEREZI: 1TS PR4CTIC4LLY DR1PP1NG OFF OF YOU 

She moves in closer to you, a bit too close if you’re being perfectly honest. She’s smiling her classic Terezi smile, teeth and all, as she looks up at you, a certain determination in her empty eyes. If there was a wall out here in space, she would have you backed all the way against it with her dominating stance. She’s completely in your purview, and you can’t help but notice the little details in her face. The little bags slowly forming under her eyes, the outlines of pupils you can just make out from under her classes, the hint of teal in her skin, her lips. She’s immensely attractive at this moment, but you don’t think that. You feel like something is wrong here. 

TEREZI: 1 C4N SM3LL 4 LOT OF TH1NGS OFF YOU  
TEREZI: F34R, 4NXI3TY, CONFUS1ON  
TEREZI: *SN1FF* BUT 4LSO R3L13F, CONT3NTM3NT, 4ND 3XC1T3M3NT  
JOHN: uh aren’t those kind of contradictory?  
TEREZI: Y3S JOHN TH3Y 4R3  
TEREZI: YOUR3 K1ND OF 4 FUCK1NG M3SS  
TEREZI: BUT YOUR3 34SY TO R34D

She inches even closer to you, you’re almost touching. 

TEREZI: YOUR3 4LSO 34SY TO M4N1PUL4T3 

She puts a hand on your chest. Your heart temporarily stops beating until the weight of your cruel reality forces it to resume its functions. You’re sweating now. 

TEREZI: *SN1FFFF*  
TEREZI: G4SP!!!  
TEREZI: JOHN  
TEREZI: 1S TH1S  
TEREZI: *LUST*  
TEREZI: 1 SM3LL?? 

You push her off of you, resuming a more decent space between you. Jesus would approve. 

JOHN: okay now you’re fucking with me!  
TEREZI: H3H3H3H3H3H3  
TEREZI: 4 V3RY GOOD CHO1C3 OF WORDS  
JOHN: ughhhhh!  
JOHN: i don’t have to deal with this!  
JOHN: i can just retcon back right now.  
TEREZI: S1GH  
TEREZI: YOU COULD, 1 C4NT STOP YOU  
TEREZI: TH4T WOULD K1ND OF D3F34T TH3 PURPOS3 OF TH1S WHOL3 TH1NG  
TEREZI: BUT 1S TH4T R34LLY WH4T YOU W4NT?  
TEREZI: TO L1V3 BY SOM3ON3 3LS3S 3XP3CT4T1ONS  
JOHN: i don’t think i see it like that  
TEREZI: OF COURS3 YOU DONT  
TEREZI: YOUR3 JUST DO1NG WH4TS 34SI3ST 4ND CONV1NC1NG YOURS3LF TH4T 1TS TH3 B3ST W4Y  
TEREZI: YOUR3 SC4R3D TO ST4ND UP FOR YOURS3LF, TO M4K3 SOM3TH1NG FOR YOURS3LF  
TEREZI: YOUR3 SO SC4R3D TH4T YOU TH1NK ITS B3ST TO JUST S1T ON TH3 W4YS1D3 OF YOUR L1F3 4ND L3T OTH3R P3OPL3 D3C1D3 WH4T TO DO W1TH YOU  
JOHN: it's not like that!  
JOHN: other people just know more than i do most of the time. why shouldn’t i follow the friends that i trust who know more about everything than me?  
TEREZI: D1D YOU FOLLOW YOUR FR13NDS 1NTO YOUR ROOM? D1D TH3Y T3LL YOU TO ST4Y TH3R3?  
JOHN: …  
TEREZI: WH3N YOU GOT TO TH3 3NDST4T3 YOU H4D NO ON3 TO T3LL YOU WH4T TO DO 4NYMOR3 B3CAUS3 TH3R3 W4SNT 4NYTH1NG TO B3 DON3  
TEREZI: SO YOU JUST L41D TH3R3 1N L1MBO UNT1L YOU H4D SOM3TH1NG TO F1N4LLY DO  
JOHN: … i guess.  
TEREZI: SIGH  
TEREZI: JOHN LOOK 

She moves closer again, not as close as before but close enough in a way that says she wants to be heard. She looks at you with a smile, not her toothy, mischievous smile but more of a grin that says she really cares about you. 

TEREZI: 1M PROUD OF YOU 

She puts her hand on your arm. She’s strangely warm despite trolls having a slightly lower body temperature. You like how her touch lingers on you as she continues to speak. 

TEREZI: YOU D1D WH4T YOU 4CTU4LLY W4NT3D TO DO  
TEREZI: 1T M4Y NOT H4V3 B33N TH3 MOST 1NT3NT1ON4L OR 3XP3RT3LY DON3 TH1NG 1N TH3 WORLD BUT 1 DONT TH1NK 4NYON3 WOULD PUT TH4T P4ST YOU  
TEREZI: YOU SHOULDNT H4V3 TO L1V3 1N S3RV1C3 OF 4NYON3 BUT YOURS3LF  
TEREZI: YOU DONT H4V3 TO B3 ANYON3 BUT YOURS3LF 

She takes her hand back and places both of them onto the straps of her gaudish jetpack. 

TEREZI: 1 C4NT T3LL YOU WH4T TO DO  
TEREZI: BUT 1 W4NT YOU TO B3 H4PPY JOHN, SO DO WH4T M4K3S YOU H4PPY  
TEREZI: NOT WH4T M4K3S OTH3RS H4PPY  
TEREZI: SO WH4T3V3R YOU 3ND UP DO1NG M4K3 SUR3 TH4T YOU 4CTU4LLY W4NT TO DO 1T 

She floats backwards while still facing you. 

TEREZI: 1LL L3T YOU D3C1D3 TH1S ON YOUR OWN  
TEREZI: IV3 STILL H4V3 SOM3 B1TCHY TROLL G1RL TO F1ND  
TEREZI: OH Y34H 1F WH4T3V3R YOU 3ND UP DO1NG DO3S FUCK UP TH3 FABR1C OF R34L1TY, M4K3 SUR3 1 H4V3 TIM3 TO F1ND H3R  
TEREZI: SH3D FR34K OUT IF SH3 KN3W TH4T 1T W4S YOU WHO D3STROY3D P4R4DOX SP4C3 

And with that, she’s off. Leaving you without a word more. 

You’re alone in the vacuum of space, only the thoughts racing in your head to keep you company. They’re not very good company as they are currently treating your head like its frat house and they’re out on spring break. 

Yet again you are left in a state where you have to deal with not only the crushing weight of upholding reality but also your feelings about an alien with an oral fixation. God, these two things are really not compatible and it's just making your efforts to make sense of it all much more difficult. You try to think about what you want to do next but you can’t get Terezi’s face out of your head. Her words cut deep into you like you never hoped they would and sank her venom into your very thoughts. You felt happy when she said that she was proud of you. It reminded you of when your father would say the same, but this time it was warmer, more intimate. Everything she says to you is like that, even when she is relentlessly antagonizing you she never feels distant. So it’s no wonder that as she gets farther and farther away from you, you can’t stop thinking about the sound of her voice. 

But you still have a decision to make. This one is a more open decision, thankfully. There’s at least one or two more choices to make than the original decision allotted. There’s more potential when you’re not put on the spot and given the space to think. You could go back and face the decision all over again. You could try retconning some other stuff into the timeline if you wanted. You could go back to your room and just keep retconning yourself back in time to keep yourself there indefinitely. There’s a lot to decide and even more people to keep in mind while you try to figure out what the best course for the universe is. Rose would certainly want you to keep canon substantiated, Calliope seemed enthralled in the idea of you staying and letting canon go, and Roxy your not sure of, though you believe she wanted to work some things out with you at the very least. If you don’t do either of these things then how would everyone else fair? You’re not sure. You’re not sure of anything. 

Terezi is there again, in your thoughts. What do you actually want? This question plagues your mind and makes it feel like it will form a black whole inside your own head.  
To know what you want you must know yourself. And you know no one else worse than you know yourself. Who are you? What do you want out of life? Are you really content being the outline of a person, something for others to fill in with their desires and expectations? 

Are you really John Egbert? Does that name fit the person you actually are or the person other people perceive? 

You don’t know. 

You know absolutely nothing. And what else are you supposed to do when you don’t know how to be a person, but do nothing. 

But you want to know who you are. You want to know what you want and how to live. You want to be like your friends and live the life you want to live. You want to be like Terezi, for who can stop her when she has her mind set on something. 

If you want to figure yourself out, it’s gonna take a lot of introspecting, a skill you are markedly terrible at, so the stress of dealing with the canonicity, or lack thereof, of your reality will probably hinder your progress. Dealing with all your friends as you try to figure yourself out would also probably make it harder, not that you don’t love them but they tend to get into drama and dealing with all that would make you just retreat to your room again. You really need to be able to do things on your own, but have someone there to perceive you and assist your change because you obviously need to be put back on the right path every once and awhile. 

You decide what you want to do now. 

With a smile that makes you feel like you’re thirteen again and pulling pranks, you teleport. 

When the weird retcon void clears and you can see clearly again, you see Terezi crash right into you. You both eat shit, but not as spectacularly as one would when hit by a jetpacking girl on full blast on account of there being no ground and no gravity. 

TEREZI: WH4T TH3 FUCK 3GB3RT!!!!  
TEREZI: 1F YOU K33P SURPRIS3 T3L3PORT1NG 4ROUND M3 YOUR3 GONN4 G3T YOUR THRO4T SLIC3D  
TEREZI: WH4T TH3 H3LL 4R3 YOU DO1NG  
JOHN: i figured out what i wanted to do!  
JOHN: i’m gonna hang out with you for a while.  
JOHN: i figured that floating out through the remnants of paradox space would help me figure some stuff out.  
JOHN: so if i’m doing that i might as well make sure that you stay alive while on your quest.  
TEREZI: UH 1 DONT KNOW 4BOUT TH4T  
TEREZI: 1 C4N T4K3 C4R3 OF MYS3LF  
JOHN: well it doesn’t matter, because i’m still gonna stay out here with you.  
JOHN: this is what i want, and that’s what matters right?  
JOHN: i’m pretty sure you said that.  
TEREZI: UGH  
TEREZI: Y34H  
TEREZI: 1 GU3SS YOU GOT M3 3GB3RT  
TEREZI: BUT 1M NOT GO1NG TO M4K3 TH1S 34SY ON YOU  
TEREZI: YOUR3 GO1NG TO R3GR3T SP34D1NG 4N 3T3RN1TY W1TH SOM3ON3 WHO W1LL TRY TO BL33D YOU DRY WH1L3 YOU SL33P >:]  
JOHN: haha i wouldn’t have it any other way. 

You both smile at each other. You’re happy in this moment, as you’re sure that Terezi is as well. You’re excited to see what will happen, you’re excited to spend time with her. You want things to be better and you want to make things better. It’ll be difficult but you want to try. 

You want to be someone. 

So what will you do, Egbert? 

Who will you become?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! So this is the end of the third chapter and the end of the sort of "prologue" segment. I think going forward the fic will get more episodic with each chapter, a different topic that john and terezi will deal with on their little adventure. Oh yeah by the way I swear that this is a June fic, it just takes a while to get there. You don't transition in a day so you shouldn't transition in a chapter. She's getting there though.   
> Thank you all for reading and giving support! This is my first fic so it really means a lot!


	4. Of Blue Girls and Their Convictions

JOHN: so why do you think we can breathe out in space like this?   
TEREZI: S1GH, 1 DONT KNOW JOHN  
TEREZI: 1 N3V3R R34LLY QU3ST1ON3D TH3 W31RD G4M1NG 4BSTR4CT1ONS   
JOHN: but we’re not even in the game technically!  
JOHN: like we pretty firmly beat it, so why does it act like we didn’t?  
JOHN: shouldn’t it like, shut off? or something?   
TEREZI: 1M PR3TTY SUR3 YOU C4NT JUST SHUT OFF 4 FUCK1NG UN1V3RS3  
TEREZI: TH1S 1SNT SOM3 WR1GGL3RS F1RST R3CR34T1ON4L CULL1NG S1MUL4TOR TH4T YOU C4N TURN ON WH3N3V3R YOU F33L L1K3 PL4YING  
TEREZI: 1TS MOR3 L1K3 FL4RP1NG, 1T B3COM3S P4RT OF YOUR L1F3 NO M4TT3R WH4T YOU DO OR WH4T YOU W4NT 4ND YOU C4NT TURN 1T OFF  
TEREZI: 3XC3PT TH1S T1M3 1TS ON 4 UN1V3RS4L SC4L3   
JOHN: flarping?   
TEREZI: OH Y34H, 1T W4S 4 G4M3 4 F3W OF US PL4Y3D B4CK ON 4LT3RN1A  
TEREZI: 1N R3TROSP3CT 1T R34LLY JUST 3XIST3D TO G3T US 3V3N MOR3 R34DY TO PL4Y SGRUB   
JOHN: in that case it probably sucked.   
TEREZI: H3H Y34H 1T D1D  
TEREZI: TH3R3 W3R3 SOM3 GOOD T1M3S THOUGH 

  


You two are floating through space, and it is really deserving of that name because there isn’t anything of note going on around you. You don’t know how long you two have been traveling, given that there isn’t any way of telling time and how everything kind of looks the same with no real landmarks to measure distance either. It’s all just iridescent cracks and the remnants of dreambubbles for as far as the eye can see. The two of you are getting far enough away from the blackhole that it isn't posing an immediate threat to your lives or the non-life of the few ghosts that still linger about occasionally. You think Terezi is hesitant to leave the immediate area surrounding the supergiant, you’ve been letting her lead the way and she’s just been making a systematic orbit around it. She’s likely combing through the entire area in order to check it off the list of places Vriska could be. You haven’t made a suggestion about the possible whereabouts of one Vriska Serket because Terezi seems pretty steadfast in, or just stubborn, her way of locating her, and you don’t want to put her off her game. 

Things have been going much like it is right now. A lot of small talk and some dumb questions and monolouges interlaced to keep the silence away. It’s been quite pleasant overall, if a bit awkward at times. Terezi has been standoffish, like she doesn’t really want to engage in a lot of what you bring up, which makes sense for some of the dumb stuff that comes out your mouth like you opinions on celebrities and dumb anime, but even more grounded topics prove ineffective to get her to open up. It’s strange given her usual predilections of annoying the shit out of you with as many words as possible. Maybe it’s that she only gives you shit and opens up a bit on her own terms, and you being here has kind of made her retreat to regain her footing somehow. 

Right now she seems like she is wistfully remembering the past, the perfect opportunity to really get her in there and show her that you mean business. Business being performing the duties of a friend and maybe even… a kismesis? You’re actually not sure where you stand on that whole deal, you’ve tried doing the pitch flirting thing before but you’re pretty bad at it honestly. At those opportunities Terezi did in fact take the initiative to dunk on you pretty hard, so maybe it isn’t a bad thing. 

JOHN: well don’t just stand there and look off in the distance like you’re remembering the war.  
JOHN: tell me about it!   
TEREZI: UGH JOHN 4LL OF TH4T W4S SO COMPL1C4T3D 4ND 4 PR3TTY LONG T1M3 4GO NOW  
TEREZI: 1 DONT KNOW HOW MUCH 1 W4NT TO G3T 1NTO 1T   
JOHN: oh, come on terezi! tell me your epic backstory!  
JOHN: me and jade didn’t really get to know about all the troll culture stuff and the weird antics you guys got into beyond what we learned during our session.  
JOHN: i feel left out! 

You give your best puppy dog eyes in an ironic attempt to hopefully crack Terezi’s shell. Sadly you don’t have your sister’s doggy-enhanced mannerisms to pull them off as expertly as she does, but she still relents. Maybe you are good at this flirting thing? 

TEREZI: UGH ILL T3LL YOU 1F YOU STOP DO1NG TH4T W13RD TH1NG W1TH YOUR F4C3  
TEREZI: 1TS GROSS   
JOHN: lol okay i’ll stop.   
TEREZI: S1GH, OK4Y  
TEREZI: 1 GU3SS 1T R34LLY 1SNT 4LL TH4T MUCH LOOK1NG B4CK  
TEREZI: VR1SK4 4ND 1 W3R3 T34M SCOURG3  
TEREZI: 4ND W3 W3R3 FUCK1NG GOOD 4T WH4T W3 D1D, PROB4BLY TH3 B3ST  
TEREZI: BUT WH4T W3 D1D W4S K1LL 4 LOT OF W34K3R TROLLS TO F33D VR1SK4S LUSUS  
TEREZI: W3 W3R3 F1N3 W1TH TH4T FOR 4 WH1L3 BUT TH3N 1 F3LT B4D FOR CULL1NG 3SS3NT1ALLY 1NNOC3NT TROLLS  
TEREZI: M3 4ND VR1SK4 R34LLY GOT 1NTO 1T 4BOUT TH4T  
TEREZI: 1 UND3RSTOOD TH4T VR1SK4 N33D3D TO K33P H3R B1TCHY SP1D3RMOM S4T14T3D BUT 1 ST1LL F3LT B4D 4BOUT 1T   
JOHN: wow…  
JOHN: how did vriska feel about it?   
TEREZI: 1 TH1NK SH3 F3LT B4D 4BOUT 1T TOO  
TEREZI: BUT 1N TH4T VR1SK4 W4Y WH3R3 SH3 D3N13S H4V1NG F33L1NGS 4ND CONV1NC3S H3RS3LF TH4T SH3 C4N DO NO WRONG   
JOHN: haha yeah, she definitely was kind of full of herself wasn’t she.  
JOHN: i think i know where this story is going.   
TEREZI: 1 GU3SS YOU DO  
TEREZI: 4NYW4Y, 1T D1DNT G3T R34LLY B4D UNT1L W3 ST4RT3D PL4Y1NG W1TH T34M CH4RG3  
TEREZI: 4R4D14 4ND T4VROS  
TEREZI: VR1SK4 4ND T4VROS H4D 4…  
TEREZI: COMPL1C4T3D R3L4T1ONSH1P  
TEREZI: 4ND SH3 4ND 4R4D14 R34LLY D1DNT L1K3 34CH OTHER  
TEREZI: 4T 4LL  
TEREZI: SO VR1SK4 K1LL3D H3R, US1NG H3R OWN M4T3SPR1T3 TO DO TH3 D1RTY WORK  
TEREZI: TH4TS W4S TH3 L4ST STR4W FOR M3  
TEREZI: 4 LOT MOR3 BULLSH1T H4PP3N3D B3TW33N US BUT YOU 4LR34DY KNOW TH3 OUTCOM3  
TEREZI: 1 K1LL3D H3R  
TEREZI: W3LL TH3 OTH3R M3 K1LL3D H3R, BUT WH4TS TH3 D1FF3R3NC3 R34LLY I W4S R1GHT 4BOUT TO 4ND TH3N YOU C4M3 1N 4ND CLOCK3D H3R  
TEREZI: TH4T W4S V3RY M34N >:[   
JOHN: oh i’m sure, you know how much i love punching people!   
TEREZI: ONLY 4 R34L S4D1ST WOULD T4K3 PL34SUR3 FROM HURT1NG P3OPL3  
TEREZI: JOHN 3GB3RT YOU M4K3 M3 S1CK   
JOHN: isn’t this whole story about how you and vriska killed people for fun?   
TEREZI: …  
TEREZI: 1TS W4S MOR3 COMPL1C4T3D TH4N ‘FUN’  
TEREZI: W3 W3R3 L1T3R4LLY BR3D TO K1LL P3OPL3 4ND 3V3RYTH1NG 4BOUT OUR SOC13TY S41D TH4T K1LL1NG W4S OKAY  
TEREZI: 1T W4SNT R34LLY 4 CHO1C3 FOR US  
TEREZI: 4ND WH3N YOUR3 FORC3D 1NTO 4 S1TU4T1ON YOU T3ND TO TRY TO M4K3 TH3 B3ST OF 1T  
TEREZI: SO Y34H 1 GU3SS W3 W3R3 K1ND4 3V1L JOHN   
JOHN: …  
JOHN: i didn’t mean it like that.  
JOHN: and i don't think you're evil.  
JOHN: you’re like the most heroic out of all of us! you are literally the only reason why we are here.  
JOHN: i wouldn’t call someone who scribbles out the instructions to save the universe with her own blood, just before she draws her own chalk outline to die in, evil.   
TEREZI: TH4NKS BUT FL4TT3RY W1LL G3T YOU NOWH3R3 1N F1X1NG MY D33P S34T3D P3RSON4L 1SSU3S  
TEREZI: 1 DO 4PPR3C14T3 TH3 3FFORT THOUGH   
JOHN: lol you really do have to make everything so hard.   
TEREZI: >;]   
JOHN: wow, that was low hanging fruit even for you!   
TEREZI: 4LL MY 1NS1NU4T1ONS 4R3 TOP TI3R 3GB3RT DONT YOU D4R3 S4Y OTH3RW1S3  
TEREZI: 1LL BR34K YOUR WR1STS   
JOHN: i’m so scared i think i might piss myself.  
JOHN: oh no terezi’s tiny arms are gonna cause me horrible pain! how will i escape this fate!  
JOHN: it's not like i could simply keep myself at a normal arm’s length to avoid your attacks!   
TEREZI: >:O!!!

She quickly flies right up to you and elbows your stomach so hard that your glasses almost fly off into the infinite vacuum of space. 

JOHN: AGH  
JOHN: fuck, terezi!!!! that fucking hurt!!   
TEREZI: JUST1C3 W4S S3RV3D >:]   
JOHN: christ, you could have served justice in a way that didn’t leave a bruise.   
TEREZI: JUST1C3 TH4T DO3S NOT G1V3 OUT PUN1SHM3NT 3QU4L TO TH3 CR1M3 COMM1TT3D 1S NO JUST1C3 4T 4LL   
JOHN: suing exists! people do that all the time to carry out justice!   
TEREZI: ON 4LT3RN14 SU1NG 1S WH4T YOU C4LL WH3N SOM3ON3 ST34LS 4LL OF SOM3ON3 3LS3S STUFF TH3N CULLS TH3M FOR B31NG POOR   
JOHN: oh.  
JOHN: yeah they didn’t do that on judge judy.   
TEREZI: 1 W3NT TO SCHOOL FOR TH1S JOHN, DONT 4CT L1K3 YOU KNOW MOR3 TH4N M3   
JOHN: woah, really?   
TEREZI: NO  
TEREZI: 1 L1V3D 1N 4 TR33 1D1OT   
JOHN: oh… okay? 

Terezi flies up a bit ahead of you so that you can’t see her face when she talks to you. You think that she’s opening up a little bit more now, stabbing her elbow into you is certainly a change in conversation at the very least. Navigating this kind of situation with Terezi of all people is very difficult because you know that she’s knows what she’s doing and she knows that you know and that’s the way she likes it, she has all the control here because you don’t want to force anything out of her or make things super uncomfortable for her, and she of course knows this as well. So what are you to do but let her lead the conversation and let her use and feel comfortable in her power? Hopefully you’ll be able to spin into something useful here. 

TEREZI: SO, YOU DONT TH1NK TH4T 1M 3V1L  
TEREZI: WH4T 4BOUT VR1SK4   
JOHN: oh, uh…  
JOHN: i don’t know i guess?  
JOHN: she was definitely mean at times. like a lot of times actually.  
JOHN: but i don’t think that makes you evil really.  
JOHN: i guess i still don’t understand all the fucked up stuff you all went through and probably never will.  
JOHN: i do think you’re right in that she probably didn’t enjoy everything she did as much as she said she enjoyed it.  
JOHN: you know she actually kind of told me as much?   
TEREZI: R34LLY?   
JOHN: yeah! i remember now, it was so long ago actually haha.  
JOHN: she messaged me about how she killed someone and felt bad about it.  
JOHN: which to me at the time sounded like a totally normal response to having comitited murder, but i think she explained everything kind of like you did.  
JOHN: so yeah, i don’t think she’s evil at all.  
JOHN: she’s a bitch sometimes but she isn’t on the level of some of the other dudes we’ve come across, who are really evil. 

She pauses for a moment here. You can’t see her face but you know she’s trying to swallow what you just said. It definitely seemed like a very loaded question so it makes sense that she’d need a second to process the answer. You wonder why she asked you that, the real reason why, not just to get your opinion on the ever ongoing Vriska situation. Terezi is not one to ask plain questions, at least when doesn’t explicitly mean to. There’s always something going on in her head, and you may well never know what it is unless she allows you to know by her own free will. But now is not that time, because she flies right back to your side and shoots you that classic Terezi smile. 

TEREZI: WOW YOU H4V3 SUCH 4 W4Y W1TH WORDS  
TEREZI: H4V3 1 3V3R TOLD YOU HOW MUCH OF 4 P1TCH SLUT YOU 4R3   
JOHN: what???   
TEREZI: H3H3H3   
TEREZI: YOU C4NT H3LP BUT C4TCH P1TCH F33L1NGS FOR 3V3RY V4GU3LY M34N G1RL YOU M33T 3GB3RT  
JOHN: ugh, god. just because i called vriska a bitch doesn’t mean i have a crush on her!  
JOHN: you act like i’m some middle schooler who bullies the people he has crushes on.   
TEREZI: TH4TS PR3TTY MUCH HOW P1TCH FL1RT1NG WORKS JOHN   
JOHN: god i hate this stupid quadrant.   
TEREZI: OH 1M SUR3 >;]   
JOHN: fuck off!   
TEREZI: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3  
TEREZI: 1 C4NT R34LLY BL4M3 YOU THOUGH, VR1SK4 H4S 4 W4Y OF STOK1NG P1TCH3D F33L1NGS  
TEREZI: OR CONFL1CT3D F33L1NGS 1N G3N3R4L R34LLY   
JOHN: haha i guess.  
JOHN: i don’t know, during our session she wasn’t all that bad to me. a lot of the bad stuff i learned after the fact.  
JOHN: she was basically just trying to get me to be a man and do all the cool stuff like her.  
JOHN: lol she basically just wanted me to be more like her.  
JOHN: remember how she dressed me up like herself?   
TEREZI: H3H3 Y34H  
TEREZI: 1T W4SNT 4 B4D LOOK 4LL 1N 4LL   
JOHN: haha yeah i mean i liked it but it was kind of weird that she wanted me to look like her!   
TEREZI: M4YB3, SH3 JUST W4NT3D YOU TO B3 COOL L1K3 H3R  
TEREZI: SH3 F41L3D M1S3R4BLY   
JOHN: hey i think i’m cool, so you can shove it!  
JOHN: but yeah i guess she was just trying to be nice to me in her own way.  
JOHN: she never scorned me or anything, or even really annoyed me. not like other people apparently.  
JOHN: so i guess i can’t say anything bad about her.  
JOHN: though when we find her i’m definitely going to give her shit about dressing me up like a girl.   
TEREZI: OH MY GOD JOHN  
TEREZI: YOU R34LLY TH1NK VR1SK4 3V3N R3MOT3LY DR3SS3S ‘LIK3 4 G1RL’   
JOHN: well no i guess…  
JOHN: but she is still a girl so dressing me up as her still makes it girly.   
TEREZI: WOW DO YOU H4V3 SOM3TH1NG 4G41NST B31NG G1RLY?  
TEREZI: 4S 4 G1RL 1 4M H1GHLY OFF3ND3D   
JOHN: hahaha i guess?? i don’t know i just think its weird is all!   
TEREZI: C4NT H4NDL3 4 LITTL3 F3M1N1N1TY?  
TEREZI: YOU W34R SOM3 COOL J34NS 4ND 4 J4CK3T ON3 T1M3 4ND SUDD3NLY YOUR3 4 HUG3 M1SOGYN1ST HUH 3GB3RT  
TEREZI: 1M V3RY D1SS4PO1NT3D   
JOHN: oh my god i don’t mean it like that!  
JOHN: it’s just weird okay! end of story.   
TEREZI: HMMMMMM   
JOHN: what!   
TEREZI: 1 DONT KNOW JOHN  
TEREZI: YOUR3 B31NG V3RY D3F3NS1V3  
TEREZI: DO YOU H4V3 SOM3TH1NG TO CONF3SS?   
JOHN: holy shit. no i don’t!   
TEREZI: HMMMMMMMMMM  
TEREZI: YOU R3M1ND M3 OF STR1D3R 4ND HOW H3 1NS1ST3D TH4T H3 W4S NOT HUM4N G4Y 3V3N THOUGH H3 4ND K4RK4T 4R3 CL34RLY 1N LOV3   
JOHN: well that’s dave, he’s a complicated guy!  
JOHN: he’s got like… issues?   
TEREZI: >:/   
JOHN: okay yeah that sounded mean, i don’t think being a homosexual is an issue or anything but he has other stuff going on that make him different from me.   
TEREZI: WH4T3V3R YOU S4Y  
TEREZI: WH3N W3 G3T TO TH3 N3XT DR34MBUBBL3 1M 4LCH3M1Z1NG YOU TH3 G1RL13ST OUTF1T   
JOHN: wow alright, do what ever you want. i’m not gonna wear it.   
TEREZI: H3H3H3H3 W3LL S33 4BOUT TH4T >;]   
JOHN: ugh. 

Terezi continues to cackle maniacally like she just concocted the greatest plan ever to get you to wear some clothes that you don’t want to wear. You on the other hand can’t get that thought out of your head fast enough. Much like most things, you don’t want to dwell on it for too long. Why exactly? Well to answer that would take some introspection, a skill that you are severely lacking in and something you are hesitant to practice given the aforementioned desire to do exactly the opposite. It’s honestly not worth dwelling on anyway, Terezi is just doing her weird flirting thing again. 

You drop the subject. 

A subject more worth your time is the subject of Terezi herself. You seemed to have been distracted by latent gender feelings and have neglected your impromptu quest to get to the bottom of her feelings, whatever exactly they are. She seems to be in a better mood now, practically handing her a scheme to concoct has made her much more like the Terezi you know well. She’s smiling and you’re staring. You’re taking in this moment for all it is, just Terezi smiling her beautiful, dangerous smile in the light of trillions of stars and the green tint of reality itself breaking apart. It’s an incredibly calming sight and you could just bask in this moment for hours if the rules of this world bent to your will in that matter. Alas, you were not blessed with such powers and Terezi has stopped smiling, bringing this miniscule, passing moment to an end before you even had time to process why you want nothing more to just stay here and look at Terezi Pyrope. 

TEREZI: STOP FUCK1NG ST4R1NG 4T M3 CR33P  
TEREZI: WHY DO YOU K33P DO1NG TH4T  
TEREZI: NOT TH4T 1 M1ND YOU F1ND1NG 1T H4RD TO K33P YOUR 3Y3S OFF M3 >;]  
TEREZI: BUT 1TS NOT L1K3 YOU TO B3 4 S4D P3RV3RT WHO C4NT JUST T4LK TO G1RLS   
JOHN: oh uh…  
JOHN: i don’t know.  
JOHN: i guess i’m worried about you?  
JOHN: you’ve seemed off ever since i decided to tag along and it's been kind of bothering me.   
TEREZI: OH  
TEREZI: W3LL 1M F1N3 YOU DONT N33D TO WORRY 4BOUT M3   
JOHN: are you sure?   
TEREZI: LOOK 3GB3RT 1 DONT N33D YOU TO FUCK1NG LOOK 4FT3R M3 4LR1GHT  
TEREZI: 1M F1N3 4ND TH4TS 4LL YOU N33D TO KNOW 

She wasn’t smiling before and she’s definitely not smiling now. In fact, you seemed to have done just the thing you were trying not to do, which is push too hard and piss her off. What do you do now? You suppose that you might as well keep pushing just to see what it is that’s eating at her, even if she’s going to scream it at you. What’s the worst that could happen, she’ll stab you? Wait shit, that is something that she would do. It’s too late to back out now, plus you’re conditionally immortal and getting stabbed by your crush doesn’t exactly warrant a heroic or just death, you hope. 

JOHN: okay well you’re clearly not fine so what’s wrong.   
TEREZI: DONT PL4Y TH3R4P1ST W1TH M3  
TEREZI: 3V3RYTH1NGS 4LR1GHT DONT FUCK1NG PUSH 1T 

Against your better judgement, you’re gonna push it. 

JOHN: i’m pushing it terezi!   
TEREZI: WH4T 4 FUCK1NG T1M3 FOR YOU TO M4N UP 4ND T4K3 CH4RG3 FOR ONC3 HUH 3GB3RT   
JOHN: what??   
TEREZI: YOU W4NN4 KNOW WH4TS B33N BOTH3R1NG M3 SO B4D L4T3LY  
TEREZI: 1TS YOU 

And that's what you get for pushing it. A hard stone being thrown directly at your chest at terminal velocity, the taste of iron in your mouth. Out of all the possible responses, that wasn’t one that had even crossed your mind. You guess you were too wrapped up in the euphoria of decision making and crush having to put together that she only started acting like this after you showed up. You’re not exactly the brightest, but you should have known that the problem was you. Now you don’t know what to do, what to say, or how to fix this. 

JOHN: i’m…  
JOHN: i’m sorry, terezi. 

Maybe it was the defeated tone in your voice or maybe it was the existential look in your eye but Terezi comes down once the words leave your lips. You’ve never seen her blow up like that before, so this is probably new to her and she didn’t know the exact outcome of this particular kind of exchange, that she’d hurt you somehow. Nevertheless, she has appearances to keep up. 

TEREZI: UGH L3T M3 F1N1SH B3FOR3 YOU THROW 1N TH3 TOW3L L1K3 TH4T DUMMY  
TEREZI: OK4Y M4YB3 TH3 PROBL3M 1SNT YOU BUT HOW YOU FUCK1NG C4M3 1N 4ND 3XP3CT3D TO B3 MY S4V1OR  
TEREZI: 1 DONT N33D YOU TO PROT3CT 4ND CODDL3 M3 L1K3 SOM3 WR1GGL3R  
TEREZI: 1 DONT N33D YOU TO S4V3 M3 FROM MYS3LF  
TEREZI: 1 DONT N33D YOUR H3LP TO F1ND VR1SKA  
TEREZI: 1 C4N DO TH4T ON MY OWN  
TEREZI: 1M GO1NG TO DO TH4T ON MY OWN B3C4US3 TH4TS WH4T 1 N33D TO DO  
TEREZI: 1 OW3 H3R TH4T MUCH   
JOHN: terezi…  
JOHN: i didn’t tag along to be some savior. i came here because you’re my friend!  
JOHN: and okay yeah i’m worried about you, but you’re practically killing yourself out here!  
JOHN: i know that this is something you have to do but at what cost? you were just going to wander out here all alone for eternity or until your body withers away.  
JOHN: i don’t want you to die out here by yourself terezi!   
TEREZI: JOHN YOU JUST DONT G3T 1T…   
JOHN: yeah i guess i don't get it.  
JOHN: but holy shit i don’t have to get it to care about you.  
JOHN: i’m not trying to be a big manly hero who comes to save the girl, i’m trying to be a friend.  
JOHN: i’m not stopping you or saying you can’t do this! i’m just asking that you talk to me and like i don’t know… eat some food every once and a while?  
JOHN: don’t die?   
TEREZI: JOHN…  
TEREZI: 1M SORRY 1 S41D TH4T 34RL13R, 1 JUST DONT W4NT 4NYBODY BUT M3 TO C4RRY TH1S W31GHT  
TEREZI: 4ND Y34H 1 KNOW TH4TS STUP1D 4S SH1T BUT 1TS WH4T 1 N33D TO DO  
TEREZI: FOR H3R  
TEREZI: BUT,  
TEREZI: S1GH  
TEREZI: 1 GU3SS 1 C4N TRY DO1NG TH4T   
JOHN: awesome!   
TEREZI: BUT ONLY ON ON3 COND1T1ON!   
JOHN: alright… what is it?   
TEREZI: >:]   
JOHN: oh no……   
TEREZI: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3 

And you two fly off further into unknown space, the sound of her cackling filling your ears like a beautiful symphony, and the backdrop of iridescent destruction providing the setting in which you contemplate your unduly fate. Terezi is still such an enigma to your simple minded brain but you seem to speak to her in a way that she understands and hopefully you can get through to her more just how much you care for her. It’s not like she has achieved her actualized self or anything from just one short conversation from you, but it’s something. But now isn’t the time for all that, she seems more interested in you and your inner machinations than you of hers. Who knows how things will turn out? You may learn more about yourself, she might just feed you that introspection that you’ve been secretly craving, like a farmer doles out food for their livestock. Won’t that be nice, Egbert? But alas that time is not now, you’ll just have to wait. 

The saying is that it isn’t the destination that matters, it’s the journey. Right now, you couldn’t agree more. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! Sorry for the delayed upload, this chapter took a lot longer for me to write than I wanted it to. Hopefully future chapters will be easier to get out but I can't guarantee anything like a consistent schedule. Anyways thank you all for reading, this fic continues to get more attention than I ever thought it would get and I so appreciate everything! 
> 
> Also yes teal is a blue color, you cannot change my mind on this.


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